 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| 9.00am |
Good
Morning with Lemmy and Lorraine |
Compliments
of the Day with Germaine and Boris |
You'll
wish You Stayed in Bed! Timmy Mallett presents |
The
Wacky Breakfast!
More wackiness. No breakfasts. |
Doesn't
matter |
| 10.00 |
Wake
Up Boobies! The giant, multi-coloured, polka-dotted breasts enjoy fun and games in Boobieland, but Nipplit falls foul of the naughty Twats. |
Look
and Learn! |
Triptych
Challenge - Live! Jordan presents the program that invites viewers to vote for their favourite between two of history's greatest works of art. This week, Hieronymous Bosch's The Garden of Earthly Delights vs. The Nativity, The Adoration of the Magi and The Presentation in the the Temple by Hans Memling. |
Doesn't
matter |
|
| 11.00 |
Ready,
Steady, Coot! Two celebrity ornithologists have just 20 minutes to construct a hide using only the parts given them by two people desperate to get their faces on the telly. The audience decides whether it will be red robins or green woodpeckers. |
Great
Optimists of the 19th Century This week, Edgar Allen Poe |
Toasters
for Coasters! New series of the 'Style' programme in which a team of experts convert electrical appliances into less-useful household objects. Today: Clement Freud & his wife's vibrator. |
Sesame
Street Presented by the number pi and the letter gamma. |
Doesn't
matter |
| 12.00pm |
News,
Weather and Trampoline forecast |
Internet
Schminternet Famous jews reveal how they cope in modern day society without ever needing a computer, thank you very much. |
Film:
I Married Hitler by Mistake!
Screwball comedy starring Cary Grant. |
Doesn't
matter |
|
| 1.00 |
Grandstand
This week's exciting low-budget live sports include Otter Prodding from Norwich, and International Physics from Durham University. |
Film:
Que passa con Bambino Juanita? Terrible Latino remake starring Bettina
Torres Davisio.
|
The
Adventures of Johnny the Prophylactic Educational cartoon for the under-12s |
Doesn't
matter |
|
| 2.00 |
Strewth! Aussie soap. Really pants. |
Doesn't
matter |
|||
| 3.00 |
Film:
Carry on Auschwitz Badly judged effort, the least funny of the whole series. Byfar. |
Film:
Captain Correlli's Pangolin Heart-rending drama set in WWII. A lonely italian army officer stationed on a remote mediterranean island embarks on an illicit and ultimately doomed relationship with a scaly anteater. |
Doesn't
matter |
||
| 4.00 |
Story
time This week,The Story of O, read by Michaela Strachan. Illustrations by Gerald Scarfe. |
Scooby
Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Doo. By. |
Doesn't
matter |
||
| Blue Peter Uncut | |||||
| 5.00 |
Neighbours Brad, Todd and Jared gang up on Cecil because his name doesn't end in 'd'. |
Snakes
and Ladders Sadistic quiz show for acrophobics and ophidiophobics. Davina McCall presents. |
Coontdoon Geordie edition of the popular word quiz. Richard Whitley Bay presents. |
Doesn't
matter |
|
| 6.00 |
6
o'clock News read by the ghost of Spike Milligan. Followed at 6.30 by local news. - more rubbish about chip pan fires and local weirdos with assinine hobbies. |
The
Good Life |
Regional
News Davina McCall presents. |
The
Test Card Popular 60s/70s show makes a come-back. |
Doesn't
matter |
| National
News Davina McCall presents. |
|||||
| International
News Davina McCall presents. |
|||||
| 7.00 |
Eastenders The picnic for the poor children of Walford goes swimmingly. There's an impromptu party in the square, and everyone realises that they are in fact the happiest people in the world. |
R
u bng srvd? The world's unfunniest sitcom updated for the text-message generation. This week: Mrs slcmb's pssy cofs up a hrbll. Mr Hmph3s is 3. |
I'm
a Celebrity! Get Me a Cassock! The four remaining 'celebrities' are finding the seminary tough going. Tonight, Ted Rogers and Dusty Bin perform the Last Rites for a comatose 98-year old. Davina McCall presents. |
The
Test Card Shown at 6.00pm |
Doesn't
matter |
| 8.00 |
Where
the Ballykissheartbeat is in May Self-styled 'heart-warming' gush. A particularly nasty circle in TV hell is reserved for all those connected with this. |
Charles
Dickens' The Perils of Malmsey Utterskank Utterskank learns that the beautiful yet deranged Primula Devizes is his long-lost cousin. Tanglefoot Spitwipe is forced into child labour as a pit prop by the evil Stoatwank. |
Celebrity
Vets A team of 'celebrities' agree to spend 6 months having their ailments treated by vets instead of doctors. This week: Vanessa Feltz is shot after breaking a leg, and Nick Kamen has his head removed from one of those plastic ring things that hold four-packs together. Davina McCall presents. |
Big
Brother
Reality TV show that follows the day-to-day lives of the inhabitants of a monastery for oversize monks. Davina McCall presents. |
Doesn't
matter |
| 9.00 |
Party
Election Broadcast By the Disciples of Valnarkash the Destroyer, Bringer of Eternal Darkness (Independent) |
I
Love Last Tuesday As all the decades and individual years have been used up, 'celebrities' reminisce about the news, music and culture from five days ago. Davina McCall presents. |
TV's
Really Most
Naughtiest Blunders 638 Hilarious out-takes. A woman has her bottom pecked by an ostrich, and a man says "F**k". Davina McCall presents. |
Film:
Doing Miss Daisy |
|
9.15 |
Wanking
with Dinosaurs Please God let this be a misprint. |
||||
| 10.00 |
The
10o'clock News read by Sooty. Followed at 10.30 by Sweep's Weatherview. |
The
Salon (Rinse &) Repeat. |
Banana
& Custard Tough streetwise chefs Josh Banana and Linus "Custard" Creem are drawn into the seedy world of vanilla abuse as they hunt the murderer of "Coulis" Malone. |
Film: |
|
| 11.00 |
Lenny
Henry Live! That's not 'Live' rhymes with 'five', but 'live' rhymes with 'sieve'. A team of general-public types have just one week to assemble Lenny Henry from body parts and re-animate the corpse. Features some pretty gruesome stuff, most notably when thetask is complete and The Monster treats its helpless creators to a stand-up routine. |
Film:
Disembowel Raul Bloodthirsty mexican re-make of Tarantino's Kill Bill. |
Michael
Barrymore: an obituary One can hope. |
||
| 12.00am |
Doesn't
matter |
||||
| 1.00am |
Film:
Come on then! Come on, you bastards, I'll take you all on! |
Film: Kick Mick Bloodthirsty irish re-make of Tarantino's Kill Bill. |
Film: |
Doesn't
matter |
|
| |
|